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[Ingo had just sort of been going on instinct here, but the repetition pulls him up short. He still doesn't know where exactly the yellow line between them is.]

- ah, I am only joking! I know that you are not!

She's going to like you more than me.

[He wants to be his dog's favorite!]

I very much doubt that!

[He's the one with frequent urges to hunt and eat her, after all! Except...she really has no way of knowing that. Ingo frowns.]

Ah...perhaps this is a bad idea, actually. [He moves to hand Mr. Cupcake back to Emmet.]

[Emmet feels bad! He steps back.]

No. I am being jealous. I should not be. I know you won't try.

[Emmet is just...missing the bond of a Pokemon. The bond he had with Mr. Cupcake was great and amazing, but it was't like a Pokemon Partner!]

She is just not smart.

[Is that the right word for what he is feeling about her in comparison to Pokemon?]

[It doesn't feel right! Its that feeling when you have to pick between two deserts you really like at a restaurant because they are both great, but there is just something about one that tugs.

No...well, no, I know what you mean. Hasumi is the same - it is really not the same as being with a Pokemon. This...well, this feels as though it may be awful to say, but I do not...feel like she is my partner, as I would if she were a Pokemon. It is as if she were one of the Sneasel kittens, except she has not really gotten any older. Mentally speaking. Physically, I believe she is full-grown, but she is still like a baby! I would not allow her to battle even if she knew any moves, it would feel...wrong! As if she could not really knowingly agree to combat!

[Ingo got distracted there, and automatically pulled Mr. Cupcake back against his chest for a more secure hold as he spoke. But - no, he has not changed his mind on this!]

Really, though, I am not certain the two of us should bond!

That is how I feel about Mr. Cupcake.

[Verbaitum! But it is a well-known fact that Emmet will say fewer words instead of more.]

You should. You're both great and want you two get to experience each other.

[Emmet is fully unaware of Ingo's urge!]

Trust me, it is a bad idea.

[Ingo doesn't really want to explain this! But it's probably better if Mr. Cupcake...well, she's never really run away from him, but she doesn't tend to run towards him a lot right now either!]

...

[He stroke the top of the dog's head. Emmet can tell when Ingo is being serious- but he honestly can not imagine what Ingo could be so hesitant to explain more.]

[It was frustrating. It made Emmet want to itch.]

[Emmet did not know how to say this.]

[Ingo takes advantage of the silence to sort of foist Mr. Cupcake back on Emmet.]

It is for the best.

[It makes him feel bad. Ashamed of the need, and honestly a bit sad to reject the dog so. But she cannot protect herself or know when he is dangerous, so he must take responsibility!]

[Emmet takes the dog and holds her close.]

[He stares at Ingo and is silent. He is holding his breath, unsure of what the next one might bring.]

[The tenor of the silence is different from Emmet's usual. Ingo drops his gaze and folds his arms behind his back, unsure of what he ought to say. It is obviously on him to speak first, but he...there must have been other times in the past when he did not know how to, right? What did he do then?]

[Emmet moves to sit back at his laptop and takes the shoes off the dog.]

[He ruined everything by getting jealous. They were having fun, they were supposed to watch Mr.Cupcake walk around like a fool. The teasing would've stopped and they could have been okay and Emmet not discovered that there is more he is hiding!]

[And involving the dog he got- over something as minor as that.]

[He sets the dog on the ground and it trots off to its water bowl.]

[Ultimately - Ingo isn't sure how to ask. Would Emmet even know what it was he used to do when he didn't know what to say? Or did he just do it, and not even let on how he felt? His past self feels less like a separate person, these days, but there are still times...

He moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch. Sometimes it seems like he cannot have even an hour here, without some awful aspect of his own monstrous nature rearing up and ruining things.]

...I'm glad that she and Hasumi get along well. I was a little worried about that - because Hasumi is made out of cake.

[The other reason Emmet simply could not comprehend Ingo's real reason- his dog is a cake. Another reason it was so far away from his idea what could be going on, it could not be detected by the HERA array.]

[And any other reason would just seem so...minor not to tell him.]

[He ruined it didn't he? Ingo was just being sensitive to Emmet's jealousy.]

[He dug his claws into his legs, the scales not being damaged at all by his claws.]

Not that I considered it truly dangerous, or I would not have brought her home at all! I would never be that thoughtless! Though...admittedly, it was still a bit of an impulse. I - well, I was the only one left in the house without a companion. I knew it would not be the same, but even so.

[Lonely, to be the only person around who was alone! Even if Gladion's the only one of them who actually has a proper partner! Ingo is continuing on - not quite oblivious to the fact that Emmet seems upset, but not really realizing the severity. Talking usually seems to help; he knows the quiet bothers him.]

[It was oddly loud for Emmet. The slow release of breath had been completely unheard, but that intake- when his lungs forced him to take a breath.]

[It was quick, just as much as was needed and not an ounce more.]

[He knew he should be listening to Ingo. He knew he should not be upset. That he was taking this personally when he knew he shouldn't.]

[He hated it here. He hated how this was making him act. He hated how Ingo was in this same fucking situation and trying to pad him from everything even if it was as minor as a dog issue.]

[Did Ingo really think he was incapable to handle anything of value? Ememtt's thoughts were running away too fast, he was trying to keep the same expression on his face he could feel like he had something of control.]

[There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that found this hilarious.]

[Emmet being quiet while Ingo talks is not that unusual. But that sound gets Ingo's attention; he turns to face him properly.]

...Emmet?

[He heard his name.]

[He only heard his name. It did not register. He could see out of the corner of his eye, Ingo turning to look at him.]

[Don't look at me. Don't register me. Do not label me as even existing right now. Even labeling himself as 'me' felt like too much.]

[In another life, Ingo probably would have been able to recognize this and know what to do. But he isn't that person anymore. Alarmed in earnest now, he scoots down the couch closer to Emmet.]

Emmet? What's wrong?

[If anything, it reminds him of himself in an arcade, or in a heavy crowd - when it all gets to be too loud, too bright, too much. But nothing has happened!]

[Everything was wrong! Nothing was wrong! How do you scale the mountain of 'What's wrong?' here? He was clawing at his upper thighs now. His wings and tail curling up against him tightly.]

[His mind was ripped in two directions, one being overly aware of everything around him down to the texture of his teeth. The other side was thinking too fast about everything since coming here. Ingo not telling him things, murdering people, not being able to wear his favorite shirt simply because it isn't here, turning into a monster, not knowing the names of the people on the radio, Ingo going to Hisui, not keeping up with that mobile game he downloaded a long time ago...]

Ah - ! Careful!

[Ingo notices the clawing, and immediately reaches out to try and take Emmet's hands in his own. It's not like he doesn't get it; he does the same thing, and he hasn't even got the benefit of scales to protect him. But that doesn't mean he wants to just sit here and watch Emmet potentially hurt himself!]

[Emmet glitched, him in a butler outfit, him as a Depot agent, him as a gargoyle again.]

[Ingo touching him hurt he pulled away- a reflex as he gracelessly threw himself away. A strange reaction to someone who is normally all about that physical affection with people he likes!]

[Ingo recoils like he's been burned. Emmet's never refused his touch before, much less flung himself away.]

I'm sorry! I did not mean to -

[This must be about something he's done. But Ingo doesn't know what it was! They weren't even fighting, at least not just now, were they?

Unless...unless Emmet intuited what the problem with Mr. Cupcake really was.

A leaden weight presses suddenly on Ingo's chest. Of course - Emmet is better at reading Ingo than vice versa. And they were only just speaking of Ingo's instincts, and how much self-control it takes to do something as simple as not lick people. They've spoken about his hunting instincts lately. Of course he could put it together, and of course he wouldn't want to be around him right now. Stupid, how stupid can he be?

Doesn't matter. If his presence is bad, then - he needs to give Emmet space. Ingo rises, hands clasped behind his back again, fighting to keep his voice steadily neutral.]

I will - give you the room. I'll come back for breakfast.

[This last note, because he actually intends to exit the house entirely! He turns to go out the back, motions jerky and unnatural.]

[Another sharp intake of breath. Trying to get even more in a shorter amount of time. He did not realize he had moved from 'holding my breath so I won't lose control' to 'I have lost control and I don't remember how to breathe and it is just a forced reflex']

[He is clawing at himself again. He feels tears building up in the corners of his eyes, scalding, he wants to wipe them away- they weigh too much. He can not though, it would be too much to un-tense his muscles, his claws are digging into his wrists. He got under the scales this time.]

[He does not register Ingo.]

[It is downed out by the roaring rush of thoughts in his head. He messed up. He failed again. He got jealous. Ingo won't talk to him. Ingo would rather not talk to him. Ingo doesn't trust him. He hates it here. He hates it here. He hates it here.]

[Another gasp. Tears are now streaming down his face. He wants to scream, he wants everything to stop. He wants to stop glitching. He wants to be human shaped.]

[The claws go in deeper.]

Edited 2023-05-18 11:59 (UTC)

[Ingo goes into the woods.

He walks mechanically, in a haze, until his legs feel too heavy to lift again. He sits abruptly. It is, at least, quiet here; the animals of the forest know him for a killer, and silence themselves when he's near. He tucks his arms close to his body, slips his hands up into the wide loose sleeves of his kimono, and buries his claws in his biceps. The pain is a bright clear point in an otherwise dark rush of - how do I fix this? should I go back at all? what if that was the tipping point, now he finally sees me the way I actually am, I cannot fix that - and when his nails glitch back into short blunt human ones he goes on pressing them into the little wounds left behind.

At home, his Pokemon knew he was prone to occasional - moods, or fits, whatever you might say. They'd look after him. He could usually tell when one was creeping up, and would try to at least make sure he was in camp first. So he knows it isn't safe to be out in the wild alone, in this state - but he can't process that right now, isn't even really processing where he is in the first place. He stares fixedly at the ground, shoulders hunched to try and block out as much as possible.

This goes on for some time.]

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cw: self-harm