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What is the point in surviving at all, when we are this?

[A foolish question - the point of surviving is that they'll only return hungrier if they die. Ingo knows that. If he didn't, he would have died well before now. It's just an angry outburst, one he quickly digs his claws into his pawpads in silent reproach over.]

...you are speaking too much.

Because I like to think, you would miss me if I were gone.

[Just a simple reason, and obvious to Emmet.]

Ah - of course I would! I did not mean - ah, nevermind.

[Obviously he wasn't talking about Emmet. But it does no good to say these things; he oughtn't to have said that to begin with.]

Though if you ever get the chance to leave this place, you must take it! I would be happier to know that you were somewhere safe.

I would miss you if you were gone too. But I would be happy if you were somewhere safe.

[Emmet is trying to explain how he feels, and it is hard.]

Because it hurts me when you're hurting, and I want you to be as happy as we can. I used to be able to help you- if you had an idea, I could follow through. Here...I can't follow through even though I try.

[Because you're not allowing him too.]

On Pasio, you wanted to introduce something like the Battle Subway there. I knew how to get it going, I knew what to do. It makes me happy to see you happy. Which I can't do.

Emmet...

[He's said this before. It seems plainly obvious. But he needs to be patient - he'll try and rephrase.]

It seems wrong for me to try and be happy, when I have this blood on my hands. Why do I deserve happiness any more than the people I have killed did? At least if I am unhappy, I am paying for it somehow.

[Emmet lets out a frustrated sound, move forward and clings to his brother.]

Then explain why it would be right for me to be happy- which you want. Explain why you think just because you're 34 minutes older, you are much more importantly the big brother to carry this. Explain why- when I have been killing people longer than you have, and eating them for much longer, I am exempt and you're not.

[He moves to rest his forehead on Ingo's shoulder.]

You're mean, and stubborn, and stupid, and a hypocrite.

[Emmet, master wordsmit of insults here.]

[Ingo lets out a surprised bark of laughter. Emmet's never insulted him before! Not outside of the red fog, at least - it feels very much like relief! The way Emmet always goes on about how good he is...it was like he was seeing someone who isn't here.]

I don't know. Because I love you. And - I think you feel the hunting urge less than I do. You never would have gotten an animal if you were like me. But -

[Well. Would he feel differently if Emmet were more like him? Probably not. He thinks that would be frightening, but even then, more for Emmet's sake than anything else.]

- I love you. [..........] And I am at least five years older than you, technically.

[Of course he felt the hunting urges less, one he was a lizard and they are not known to be on the hunt often, and two- his following people tends to help him disperse the urges better.]

[Give into them small and all that.]

And I think the same of you for the same reason. It hurts me to know you are hurting and I can't do anything for you.

[All Emmet could do was love Ingo when Ingo didn't love himself.]

[And it felt like Ingo wasn't allowing him to.]

Thats not important, me in the future is still 34 minutes younger.

I will be hundreds of years older by then!

[And like, definitely long dead. But Ingo isn't thinking of that; he's trying to be a little lighter. He doesn't feel light. It's a shivery feeling, like he could break down in either laughter or sobs all at once, at any second. He lets out a long shuddering breath and drops his chin onto Emmet's shoulder, finally bringing his arms up to hug back.]

I don't know. I don't know what to say. It is - all the time. If it is not the hunting it is something else. I cannot sleep, I cannot relax without - clawing or something - I'm sorry, I do not want to make things worse for you! I know that you have your own troubles!

I can handle them with your help like you can handle yours with mine. Because you may have things that seem big to you that are not for me, and it goes the other way.

[He said softly.]

Then we will find a way to help with that. Because you only make things worse for me when you allow yourself to suffer. When you carry everything when I can help. There are two of us after all.

...is that...how we did things before? It does not feel right - perhaps with ordinary problems, but this is all too much. I do not wish to burden you.

Of course, it is a lot. But it just a simple issue of rearranging the packs. If you give me some of your problems, I know you have room for mine.

[He looks up.]

If it would be a burden, I would tell you. But I could at least give suggestions on to how better carry it.

Would you tell me? You have always been more worried for me than for yourself. You let me go too far, too often, because - because you do not want to expect too much, because of how I was even before this!

[Ingo accepts the majority of the fault for how things were immediately after they both arrived here. But Emmet's always seemed to let him get away with too much, without saying anything. Ingo knows he's hurt him before and only realized later.]

I told myself I would be a better brother to you.

And you are, we are just refinding our footing, which is going to take a bit because our steps are out of sync. But as long as we both try, it will work out.

[He sighs.]

Before coming here, I have been told I need to express what's in my heart more, yup. I even said then I would. Have my heart on my sleeve. It's just hard to do- I don't know why people make it look easy.

It is not that easy.

[Ingo knows he has a much easier time expressing himself than Emmet does - when he wants to. But that doesn't mean it's just simple and easy for him to say everything.]

But...I will...try. [It still feels wrong to say. But, at least, it feels equally wrong not to.] If that will truly make things easier for you.

It will, I promise.

[He says with a nod.]

Please keep being patient with me while I try my best.

Ah, you have done nothing wrong! There's little call for patience!

[He says, despite having been upset with Emmet and deliberately reminding himself to be patient like. Literally two minutes ago.]

Ingo, even before all of this, there would be times I test your patience in the best of scenarios.

[Because it was fun! Which is an even greater test of patience then when it is serious!]

Like you'd test mine.

[Ingo snorts.]

Oh, well then!

[No, but that does make sense. He pulls out of the hug, mostly so that he can look at Emmet properly.]

I am sorry I upset you earlier. I should have been clear about why I was nervous from the start - I did not think about what bonding with her might mean, at first, and then I was worried that you would be frightened or angry with me! But...well, I do not like it, but she is your dog, so...I suppose if you are comfortable with it, I could be around her. With supervision! And - and I will tell you if you must take her away at any point.

[It's all a scary notion to him. That's obvious in his tone! But...well, if he really tries to remove all emotion from the question, Emmet's ideas are logical. And he said he'd try to let Emmet help, so...they should at least attempt it. If things go badly, he can always insist on his idea later on.]

Even if I were, I would get over it. Have my meltdown, take a nap, carry on.

[SIMPLE FORMULA FOR HIM!]

...I do not want to frighten or upset you to begin with!

[did you take a nap while he was gone, he's jealous]

[Get jealous.]

On accident is still better than on purpose, like when we were eight.

[A prank, in which Ingo discovered Emmet would have a 'fight' response, actually!]

What happened then? Wait -

[...no. The way his sessions with Joshua have been going, it could easily take years for him to randomly stumble across this specific incident.]

- no, nevermind. What did happen?

We were spending the summer watching horror movies and eating fast food at our Grandparents house.

[He started, looking a bit embarrassed.]

They were old money, so the house of course was big and kind of creepy. You know with old folk things.

[Ingo tilts his head; this is not a cultural thing in Hisui, but...alright, wealthy people, an old structure. Like some of the buildings in Jubilife a few decades on? He guesses he gets the gist, at least.]

Okay.

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

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