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No...well, no, I know what you mean. Hasumi is the same - it is really not the same as being with a Pokemon. This...well, this feels as though it may be awful to say, but I do not...feel like she is my partner, as I would if she were a Pokemon. It is as if she were one of the Sneasel kittens, except she has not really gotten any older. Mentally speaking. Physically, I believe she is full-grown, but she is still like a baby! I would not allow her to battle even if she knew any moves, it would feel...wrong! As if she could not really knowingly agree to combat!

[Ingo got distracted there, and automatically pulled Mr. Cupcake back against his chest for a more secure hold as he spoke. But - no, he has not changed his mind on this!]

Really, though, I am not certain the two of us should bond!

That is how I feel about Mr. Cupcake.

[Verbaitum! But it is a well-known fact that Emmet will say fewer words instead of more.]

You should. You're both great and want you two get to experience each other.

[Emmet is fully unaware of Ingo's urge!]

Trust me, it is a bad idea.

[Ingo doesn't really want to explain this! But it's probably better if Mr. Cupcake...well, she's never really run away from him, but she doesn't tend to run towards him a lot right now either!]

...

[He stroke the top of the dog's head. Emmet can tell when Ingo is being serious- but he honestly can not imagine what Ingo could be so hesitant to explain more.]

[It was frustrating. It made Emmet want to itch.]

[Emmet did not know how to say this.]

[Ingo takes advantage of the silence to sort of foist Mr. Cupcake back on Emmet.]

It is for the best.

[It makes him feel bad. Ashamed of the need, and honestly a bit sad to reject the dog so. But she cannot protect herself or know when he is dangerous, so he must take responsibility!]

[Emmet takes the dog and holds her close.]

[He stares at Ingo and is silent. He is holding his breath, unsure of what the next one might bring.]

[The tenor of the silence is different from Emmet's usual. Ingo drops his gaze and folds his arms behind his back, unsure of what he ought to say. It is obviously on him to speak first, but he...there must have been other times in the past when he did not know how to, right? What did he do then?]

[Emmet moves to sit back at his laptop and takes the shoes off the dog.]

[He ruined everything by getting jealous. They were having fun, they were supposed to watch Mr.Cupcake walk around like a fool. The teasing would've stopped and they could have been okay and Emmet not discovered that there is more he is hiding!]

[And involving the dog he got- over something as minor as that.]

[He sets the dog on the ground and it trots off to its water bowl.]

[Ultimately - Ingo isn't sure how to ask. Would Emmet even know what it was he used to do when he didn't know what to say? Or did he just do it, and not even let on how he felt? His past self feels less like a separate person, these days, but there are still times...

He moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch. Sometimes it seems like he cannot have even an hour here, without some awful aspect of his own monstrous nature rearing up and ruining things.]

...I'm glad that she and Hasumi get along well. I was a little worried about that - because Hasumi is made out of cake.

[The other reason Emmet simply could not comprehend Ingo's real reason- his dog is a cake. Another reason it was so far away from his idea what could be going on, it could not be detected by the HERA array.]

[And any other reason would just seem so...minor not to tell him.]

[He ruined it didn't he? Ingo was just being sensitive to Emmet's jealousy.]

[He dug his claws into his legs, the scales not being damaged at all by his claws.]

Not that I considered it truly dangerous, or I would not have brought her home at all! I would never be that thoughtless! Though...admittedly, it was still a bit of an impulse. I - well, I was the only one left in the house without a companion. I knew it would not be the same, but even so.

[Lonely, to be the only person around who was alone! Even if Gladion's the only one of them who actually has a proper partner! Ingo is continuing on - not quite oblivious to the fact that Emmet seems upset, but not really realizing the severity. Talking usually seems to help; he knows the quiet bothers him.]

[It was oddly loud for Emmet. The slow release of breath had been completely unheard, but that intake- when his lungs forced him to take a breath.]

[It was quick, just as much as was needed and not an ounce more.]

[He knew he should be listening to Ingo. He knew he should not be upset. That he was taking this personally when he knew he shouldn't.]

[He hated it here. He hated how this was making him act. He hated how Ingo was in this same fucking situation and trying to pad him from everything even if it was as minor as a dog issue.]

[Did Ingo really think he was incapable to handle anything of value? Ememtt's thoughts were running away too fast, he was trying to keep the same expression on his face he could feel like he had something of control.]

[There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that found this hilarious.]

[Emmet being quiet while Ingo talks is not that unusual. But that sound gets Ingo's attention; he turns to face him properly.]

...Emmet?

[He heard his name.]

[He only heard his name. It did not register. He could see out of the corner of his eye, Ingo turning to look at him.]

[Don't look at me. Don't register me. Do not label me as even existing right now. Even labeling himself as 'me' felt like too much.]

[In another life, Ingo probably would have been able to recognize this and know what to do. But he isn't that person anymore. Alarmed in earnest now, he scoots down the couch closer to Emmet.]

Emmet? What's wrong?

[If anything, it reminds him of himself in an arcade, or in a heavy crowd - when it all gets to be too loud, too bright, too much. But nothing has happened!]

[Everything was wrong! Nothing was wrong! How do you scale the mountain of 'What's wrong?' here? He was clawing at his upper thighs now. His wings and tail curling up against him tightly.]

[His mind was ripped in two directions, one being overly aware of everything around him down to the texture of his teeth. The other side was thinking too fast about everything since coming here. Ingo not telling him things, murdering people, not being able to wear his favorite shirt simply because it isn't here, turning into a monster, not knowing the names of the people on the radio, Ingo going to Hisui, not keeping up with that mobile game he downloaded a long time ago...]

Ah - ! Careful!

[Ingo notices the clawing, and immediately reaches out to try and take Emmet's hands in his own. It's not like he doesn't get it; he does the same thing, and he hasn't even got the benefit of scales to protect him. But that doesn't mean he wants to just sit here and watch Emmet potentially hurt himself!]

[Emmet glitched, him in a butler outfit, him as a Depot agent, him as a gargoyle again.]

[Ingo touching him hurt he pulled away- a reflex as he gracelessly threw himself away. A strange reaction to someone who is normally all about that physical affection with people he likes!]

[Ingo recoils like he's been burned. Emmet's never refused his touch before, much less flung himself away.]

I'm sorry! I did not mean to -

[This must be about something he's done. But Ingo doesn't know what it was! They weren't even fighting, at least not just now, were they?

Unless...unless Emmet intuited what the problem with Mr. Cupcake really was.

A leaden weight presses suddenly on Ingo's chest. Of course - Emmet is better at reading Ingo than vice versa. And they were only just speaking of Ingo's instincts, and how much self-control it takes to do something as simple as not lick people. They've spoken about his hunting instincts lately. Of course he could put it together, and of course he wouldn't want to be around him right now. Stupid, how stupid can he be?

Doesn't matter. If his presence is bad, then - he needs to give Emmet space. Ingo rises, hands clasped behind his back again, fighting to keep his voice steadily neutral.]

I will - give you the room. I'll come back for breakfast.

[This last note, because he actually intends to exit the house entirely! He turns to go out the back, motions jerky and unnatural.]

[Another sharp intake of breath. Trying to get even more in a shorter amount of time. He did not realize he had moved from 'holding my breath so I won't lose control' to 'I have lost control and I don't remember how to breathe and it is just a forced reflex']

[He is clawing at himself again. He feels tears building up in the corners of his eyes, scalding, he wants to wipe them away- they weigh too much. He can not though, it would be too much to un-tense his muscles, his claws are digging into his wrists. He got under the scales this time.]

[He does not register Ingo.]

[It is downed out by the roaring rush of thoughts in his head. He messed up. He failed again. He got jealous. Ingo won't talk to him. Ingo would rather not talk to him. Ingo doesn't trust him. He hates it here. He hates it here. He hates it here.]

[Another gasp. Tears are now streaming down his face. He wants to scream, he wants everything to stop. He wants to stop glitching. He wants to be human shaped.]

[The claws go in deeper.]

Edited 2023-05-18 11:59 (UTC)

[Ingo goes into the woods.

He walks mechanically, in a haze, until his legs feel too heavy to lift again. He sits abruptly. It is, at least, quiet here; the animals of the forest know him for a killer, and silence themselves when he's near. He tucks his arms close to his body, slips his hands up into the wide loose sleeves of his kimono, and buries his claws in his biceps. The pain is a bright clear point in an otherwise dark rush of - how do I fix this? should I go back at all? what if that was the tipping point, now he finally sees me the way I actually am, I cannot fix that - and when his nails glitch back into short blunt human ones he goes on pressing them into the little wounds left behind.

At home, his Pokemon knew he was prone to occasional - moods, or fits, whatever you might say. They'd look after him. He could usually tell when one was creeping up, and would try to at least make sure he was in camp first. So he knows it isn't safe to be out in the wild alone, in this state - but he can't process that right now, isn't even really processing where he is in the first place. He stares fixedly at the ground, shoulders hunched to try and block out as much as possible.

This goes on for some time.]

[Time passed, as it always does. Eventually, it became deep in the night and Emmet calmed down, now sitting in front of the couch- he hated himself more than anything. He ruined everything, of course, he would! It was a standard he met regularly for himself.]

[It was embarrassing. He was watching the entrances for the living room for Ingo, so he could throw himself at Ingo's feet and apologize. Try and correct the issue. He was already thinking of what he could do to prevent this from happening in the future.]

[Maybe if he didn't mess it up, maybe one day Ingo would actually talk to him about personal things again.]

[Eventually, the weight lightens. It always does.

At some point between when Ingo first sat down and when he finally shifts sideways off of his aching legs, he'd glitched back into a manticore without noticing. Ruefully, he looks over his paws - the white fur there makes it nearly impossible to hide the blood on them. He's pretty sure he isn't near the stream, and wiping it on his clothes is little better.

After looking over his shoulders, he ends up carefully licking them both clean like a Sneasel. Something in the repetitive motion unspools some more of the tension he's carrying, though shame just creeps in to replace it. He really is little better than a beast anymore. And now Emmet knows that too.]

It is for the best. It was a safety issue.

[Even if there were anyone around to hear, they probably wouldn't really understand him; he's just mumbling to himself. He tries not to do that in front of people who are not Emmet or Gladion, but it's always easier to think when he isn't also keeping the thoughts in.]

We can take better precautions now. I should - no, I should not actually suggest moving out. I was just being dramatic. It'd upset him. Don't want to anyway, stupid idea. Maybe I could take the third floor? A little extra space? We could put a dog gate up. Yes - yes. I can live with that.

[The idea doesn't exactly excite him. He enjoys their little space in the basement! They are close enough to hear each other if anything happens, and their Go board is there. But the proximity also means that he'd probably wake Emmet with his nightmares if they were sleeping around the same times, which soon they will be - maybe it's better to get out now.

Ingo sighs and looks up at what little sky peeks through the leaves.]

Ah, it is getting late! Or, early - I should get back. Any blood?

[He checks himself over. No, he's good. The multiple layers he usually wears keeps anything on his arms themselves from being visible on the outside, and his paws are clean now. He rises, brushes himself off, and heads home. Luckily, he knows the forest well; even having wandered in a daze, he knows how to get back.

Anxiety starts to well up again as he gets close. What if Emmet's still upset? What if he makes it worse again? But he can't know any of that without going inside to see, and he has to - he promised. Even if Emmet's angry at him - afraid of him, some corner of his mind whispers - alright, yes, but even if that is true, he'll probably be more upset in the long run if Ingo disappears into the woods. He has made that very clear in the past! It would be particularly nasty to do it again when he knows what that means!

So he screws up his courage and slips in through the back door again as quietly as he can. He's not at quite the right angle to see Emmet sitting on the floor.]

[Emmet hears the door open and looks up. He stands up and words start spilling from his mouth.]

I'm sorry I messed everything up, I shouldn't have been jealous. I shouldn't have made you think it would be better if the dog wasn't near you. I will get rid of her if it makes you feel better, you're more important than a dog. I will do better, I will do better. I'm sorry.

[It was all said very quickly, saying whatever came to mind- anything to make this better. Hoping whatever he says would be the right response.]

Edited 2023-05-18 23:03 (UTC)

[Ingo puffs up like a startled Meowth! At first he's just surprised, both by Emmet's sudden appearance and the uncharacteristic flood of words, and then he's very quickly alarmed by - what is he talking about.]

What are you talking about? Do not - do not get rid of your dog?! What are you sorry for?

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cw: self-harm

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