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[He heard his name.]

[He only heard his name. It did not register. He could see out of the corner of his eye, Ingo turning to look at him.]

[Don't look at me. Don't register me. Do not label me as even existing right now. Even labeling himself as 'me' felt like too much.]

[In another life, Ingo probably would have been able to recognize this and know what to do. But he isn't that person anymore. Alarmed in earnest now, he scoots down the couch closer to Emmet.]

Emmet? What's wrong?

[If anything, it reminds him of himself in an arcade, or in a heavy crowd - when it all gets to be too loud, too bright, too much. But nothing has happened!]

[Everything was wrong! Nothing was wrong! How do you scale the mountain of 'What's wrong?' here? He was clawing at his upper thighs now. His wings and tail curling up against him tightly.]

[His mind was ripped in two directions, one being overly aware of everything around him down to the texture of his teeth. The other side was thinking too fast about everything since coming here. Ingo not telling him things, murdering people, not being able to wear his favorite shirt simply because it isn't here, turning into a monster, not knowing the names of the people on the radio, Ingo going to Hisui, not keeping up with that mobile game he downloaded a long time ago...]

Ah - ! Careful!

[Ingo notices the clawing, and immediately reaches out to try and take Emmet's hands in his own. It's not like he doesn't get it; he does the same thing, and he hasn't even got the benefit of scales to protect him. But that doesn't mean he wants to just sit here and watch Emmet potentially hurt himself!]

[Emmet glitched, him in a butler outfit, him as a Depot agent, him as a gargoyle again.]

[Ingo touching him hurt he pulled away- a reflex as he gracelessly threw himself away. A strange reaction to someone who is normally all about that physical affection with people he likes!]

[Ingo recoils like he's been burned. Emmet's never refused his touch before, much less flung himself away.]

I'm sorry! I did not mean to -

[This must be about something he's done. But Ingo doesn't know what it was! They weren't even fighting, at least not just now, were they?

Unless...unless Emmet intuited what the problem with Mr. Cupcake really was.

A leaden weight presses suddenly on Ingo's chest. Of course - Emmet is better at reading Ingo than vice versa. And they were only just speaking of Ingo's instincts, and how much self-control it takes to do something as simple as not lick people. They've spoken about his hunting instincts lately. Of course he could put it together, and of course he wouldn't want to be around him right now. Stupid, how stupid can he be?

Doesn't matter. If his presence is bad, then - he needs to give Emmet space. Ingo rises, hands clasped behind his back again, fighting to keep his voice steadily neutral.]

I will - give you the room. I'll come back for breakfast.

[This last note, because he actually intends to exit the house entirely! He turns to go out the back, motions jerky and unnatural.]

[Another sharp intake of breath. Trying to get even more in a shorter amount of time. He did not realize he had moved from 'holding my breath so I won't lose control' to 'I have lost control and I don't remember how to breathe and it is just a forced reflex']

[He is clawing at himself again. He feels tears building up in the corners of his eyes, scalding, he wants to wipe them away- they weigh too much. He can not though, it would be too much to un-tense his muscles, his claws are digging into his wrists. He got under the scales this time.]

[He does not register Ingo.]

[It is downed out by the roaring rush of thoughts in his head. He messed up. He failed again. He got jealous. Ingo won't talk to him. Ingo would rather not talk to him. Ingo doesn't trust him. He hates it here. He hates it here. He hates it here.]

[Another gasp. Tears are now streaming down his face. He wants to scream, he wants everything to stop. He wants to stop glitching. He wants to be human shaped.]

[The claws go in deeper.]

Edited 2023-05-18 11:59 (UTC)

[Ingo goes into the woods.

He walks mechanically, in a haze, until his legs feel too heavy to lift again. He sits abruptly. It is, at least, quiet here; the animals of the forest know him for a killer, and silence themselves when he's near. He tucks his arms close to his body, slips his hands up into the wide loose sleeves of his kimono, and buries his claws in his biceps. The pain is a bright clear point in an otherwise dark rush of - how do I fix this? should I go back at all? what if that was the tipping point, now he finally sees me the way I actually am, I cannot fix that - and when his nails glitch back into short blunt human ones he goes on pressing them into the little wounds left behind.

At home, his Pokemon knew he was prone to occasional - moods, or fits, whatever you might say. They'd look after him. He could usually tell when one was creeping up, and would try to at least make sure he was in camp first. So he knows it isn't safe to be out in the wild alone, in this state - but he can't process that right now, isn't even really processing where he is in the first place. He stares fixedly at the ground, shoulders hunched to try and block out as much as possible.

This goes on for some time.]

[Time passed, as it always does. Eventually, it became deep in the night and Emmet calmed down, now sitting in front of the couch- he hated himself more than anything. He ruined everything, of course, he would! It was a standard he met regularly for himself.]

[It was embarrassing. He was watching the entrances for the living room for Ingo, so he could throw himself at Ingo's feet and apologize. Try and correct the issue. He was already thinking of what he could do to prevent this from happening in the future.]

[Maybe if he didn't mess it up, maybe one day Ingo would actually talk to him about personal things again.]

[Eventually, the weight lightens. It always does.

At some point between when Ingo first sat down and when he finally shifts sideways off of his aching legs, he'd glitched back into a manticore without noticing. Ruefully, he looks over his paws - the white fur there makes it nearly impossible to hide the blood on them. He's pretty sure he isn't near the stream, and wiping it on his clothes is little better.

After looking over his shoulders, he ends up carefully licking them both clean like a Sneasel. Something in the repetitive motion unspools some more of the tension he's carrying, though shame just creeps in to replace it. He really is little better than a beast anymore. And now Emmet knows that too.]

It is for the best. It was a safety issue.

[Even if there were anyone around to hear, they probably wouldn't really understand him; he's just mumbling to himself. He tries not to do that in front of people who are not Emmet or Gladion, but it's always easier to think when he isn't also keeping the thoughts in.]

We can take better precautions now. I should - no, I should not actually suggest moving out. I was just being dramatic. It'd upset him. Don't want to anyway, stupid idea. Maybe I could take the third floor? A little extra space? We could put a dog gate up. Yes - yes. I can live with that.

[The idea doesn't exactly excite him. He enjoys their little space in the basement! They are close enough to hear each other if anything happens, and their Go board is there. But the proximity also means that he'd probably wake Emmet with his nightmares if they were sleeping around the same times, which soon they will be - maybe it's better to get out now.

Ingo sighs and looks up at what little sky peeks through the leaves.]

Ah, it is getting late! Or, early - I should get back. Any blood?

[He checks himself over. No, he's good. The multiple layers he usually wears keeps anything on his arms themselves from being visible on the outside, and his paws are clean now. He rises, brushes himself off, and heads home. Luckily, he knows the forest well; even having wandered in a daze, he knows how to get back.

Anxiety starts to well up again as he gets close. What if Emmet's still upset? What if he makes it worse again? But he can't know any of that without going inside to see, and he has to - he promised. Even if Emmet's angry at him - afraid of him, some corner of his mind whispers - alright, yes, but even if that is true, he'll probably be more upset in the long run if Ingo disappears into the woods. He has made that very clear in the past! It would be particularly nasty to do it again when he knows what that means!

So he screws up his courage and slips in through the back door again as quietly as he can. He's not at quite the right angle to see Emmet sitting on the floor.]

[Emmet hears the door open and looks up. He stands up and words start spilling from his mouth.]

I'm sorry I messed everything up, I shouldn't have been jealous. I shouldn't have made you think it would be better if the dog wasn't near you. I will get rid of her if it makes you feel better, you're more important than a dog. I will do better, I will do better. I'm sorry.

[It was all said very quickly, saying whatever came to mind- anything to make this better. Hoping whatever he says would be the right response.]

Edited 2023-05-18 23:03 (UTC)

[Ingo puffs up like a startled Meowth! At first he's just surprised, both by Emmet's sudden appearance and the uncharacteristic flood of words, and then he's very quickly alarmed by - what is he talking about.]

What are you talking about? Do not - do not get rid of your dog?! What are you sorry for?

[Emmet did not quite get the individual words-just a meaning as he started to explain.]

I made things weird. I shouldn't have been jealous over her giving you attention. I should not have made it where you don't think you should interact with her.

[Still rushed. Trying to break things down into bite-sized ideas. His emotions got out of control. Ingo tried to make it better by willingly giving up time with the dog just so Emmet wouldn't be insecure. Because why else would Ingo want to do that? Ingo would always do the honorable thing even if it was dumb and hurt.]

But she likes you, and it would be hard for you to just ignore her because you never disliked any of my Pokemon or anything before so there must be something seriously upsetting about her.

[YES THAT IDEA MAKES NO SENSE, but it was the only one he could think of when everything was mentally a mess.]

Please slow down!

[Ingo's hands feint briefly towards Emmet, but after what happened earlier, he doesn't want to initiate touch again.]

I - Emmet, I thought you knew why - I did not even think you were being serious about being jealous! Or - well, I don't know, I could not actually tell for certain, but - I thought you might have been annoyed that I was teasing you?

I don't know because you don't tell me. You don't tell me anything. I've been trying verrry hard to be reliable but I keep messing it up and getting you upset and I am wondering if it was always this way and you hid it better or if it is when Ryslig's pressure is put against me I shatter so you think you're protecting me and I have just become a burden because you can't trust me to bear this and I am just proving you right.

[It is like the dam has broken. Emmet's conclusions, Emmet's worries- Emmet knows he overlooks Ingo's flaws, but was easy to do when someone has always proven their quality as a person again and again. And years of knowing how people put more on Ingo than him because they simply expect more, and he less. How Emmet had always thought Ingo would want to share the burden with him because he knew that Emmet could handle more than people thought.]

And because you're hiding more and more from me, over stupider and stupider things. And-And- I know you're doing everything in your power the best way you see it, I know everything you're doing is the best course of action in Truth of your world. And right now, in this situation, your Ideal of me in this world can't handle more. And I know it is bad I say this, I know it stresses you out, but I am bad with this and I need to do better.

[Guilt mounts in Ingo as he listens. Certainly he keeps things from Emmet. Most of them, he still thinks he's right to hide; it doesn't do any good for both of them to be unhappy! Still, perhaps he ought to find ways to be more subtle?]

I...there are certainly things I do not tell you for that reason. You should not have to do anything, Emmet! You should not have to deal with any of this! But...in this, perhaps I was just being selfish.

[There's a burden there for Ingo, sure, but it genuinely is nothing that Emmet could help with. He can't control what goes on in Ingo's sick mind. He can only feel afraid for his pet, and disgusted with his brother...Ingo lets out a shaky breath. What did he decide earlier? Safety concerns? It's better for Emmet to be disgusted with him now than caught unawares later on.]

I did not want you to think less of me. But I believe that it is a safety hazard for myself and Mr. Cupcake to spend time together.

[When Ingo says this, this is when it comes together for Emmet. How Ingo hunted, and how that kind of Pokemon interacted with creatures smaller and more skittery than them.]

[There is an obvious moment that it 'clicks' on his face.]

Thats it? You do realize your dog is a literal walking piece of cake.

[Flatly:]

I am a carnivore, Emmet.

[That is why he has a dog that is made of cake!]

Do you not eat cake anymore? I still eat cake.

[Emmet says this amazingly flatly.]

I have always wanted to bite an Alcremie and never have. I have licked each in the Vanillite line because I refused to accept it didn't taste like soft-serve.

I do not feel an overwhelming urge to storm bakeries! But I have hunted and killed animals!

[Ingo is almost immediately getting annoyed! Why is Emmet acting like this is a joke!]

And I think that you should take an active threat to your dog's welfare more seriously!

I actively wonder what your dog would taste like. Because it is a cake. I have literally wondered if it would have the same mouth-feel texture as a cake.

But I know when I start badly craving a slice of cake dog I should go get an actual slice of cake.

[What Emmet is trying to say: he is so used to living around a crazy number of Pokemon that look like food- and food that looks like Pokemon. That it only makes sense you would naturally get cravings for things and learn how to redirect.]

Would you eat a Pokemon that looks like sushi? Or at least go 'That looks like a nice piece of sushi'

Yes? Probably? That is what you make sushi with in the first place!

[Ingo has eaten Pokemon that just look like Pokemon! This is how hunting works???]

Emmet. This is not like wanting cake. I need you to understand that very often when I see your dog, I feel a powerful drive to pounce on her and break her spine.

Then we treat it like an Arbok is on your team situation. Supervision around the dog, when the sensation to do that arises we try and satisfy that urge in another way. Careful observation, and trust in your Pokemon's ability to want to be around its team members.

[Emmet says this flatly.]

Being a dog doesn't make it any more special than any other animal we eat and hunt. Being my dog doesn't make it immune to the horribleness of this place and what it influences us to do. We control what we can, and the rest is up to the will of Ryslig.

[His voice is getting rough from talking so much! He hates it!]

[And Emmet's bleak outlook on their situation has made it where he isn't blind with rage and frustration. That he has to accept that this place, perhaps, as he read in one person's thread on the network, is a suffering engine- and try to figure out how to adapt.]

[What he can manipulate here he will, but he refuses to fight the things he doesn't even understand how to face. Not until there is an idea- or something...]

I do not understand. I have just told you that I am untrustworthy -

[Ingo stops himself, closing his eyes. He's angry, but he's directing it at the wrong person. It just - Emmet is acting like this is a simple and easy problem. Like it's normal and fine for him to have to arrange his life around his brother's murderous impulses.]

She is your dog! Of course that makes a difference! What if I stayed on the third floor instead? We could set up a gate, and I would come and go via the balcony.

I do not want you to do that. I like sharing the downstairs with you. It would be too lonely without you.

[Emmet would not be willing to bend around someone else's life. But Ingo's- he was, easily and willingly do that.]

Being nocturnal already makes it hard to see you regularly.

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cw: self-harm

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